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Makes you think, huh? I decided to use this as a catalyst for change. If I want my life to be different then I must do things differently. Sunday, I actually did things differently. Instead of letting myself feel tired from being sick for the last two weeks, I decided to get up and get moving. I wasn't ready to tackle my entire disorganized house, but I was going to do something....anything.
I got up and did a load of clothes that needed to be hand washed on the delicate cycle. (You know those close that always get pushed back to the bottom of the laundry basket.) Then I noticed that we had a pretty good pile of Putty's (our basset hound) towels and kitchen towels, so I washed and dried those, too. Then, instead of leaving them in the dryer or throwing them on the bed in the guest room, I actually stood in my laundry room and folded them. Now, I'd love to say that I put them away, but I can't actually reach the shelf they go on and their were so many things piled in the closet floor that I couldn't get the step ladder in there...and I don't know where the step ladder is hiding.
After the laundry, I took a break and watched a movie. But, I wasn't done yet. I tackled the cookware that was piled sky high on the counter that needed to be washed by hand. (Why do so many things in my life need to be washed by hand?) When I was finished I felt quite good about myself. I made some cornbread to go with chili and the made a small cake for dessert. All in all, I was pleased that I made a change and hopefully, this will continue until I'm in total control of my life.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
How did I get this old?
It's weird how suddenly it hits you.....I'm going to be thirty-six this year. It's not exactly a milestone age. Maybe it's just the last half of any decade that seems to bother me. It bothered me to turn twenty-six, but yet thirty didn't seem to be a problem. I don't want to mislead you. I'm not the type to sulk about my birthday or complain that I'm getting old. It just sort of hit me a few days ago that I can't figure out where the time has gone. It's a reminder of the bigger problem that I face every single day.....What have I to show for the life I've lived so far?
I only wish I had an answer. It seems my only "claim to fame" is having fifteen surgeries. It's been the thing (or things) that have taken up much of my life, the things that interrupted my dreams and stopped me from making big plans with my life. I wanted to join the military. I aced the ASVAB test and was getting calls from military recruiters. Then, just shortly after my seventeenth birthday, I broke one of my vertebrate in a car accident. Instantly, my military career was over, before it even had a chance to start. I play that day over and over in my head. It was my second accident in a matter of hours. In the first accident, someone ran a red light and hit me. My boyfriend at the time drove me home. My parents wanted to go see how bad the damage was to the car and insisted I go with them and my sisters, even though I did not want to go. On the way back home, we were hit head on. Out of five people in the car, I was the only one wearing my seat belt and I was the only one seriously injured. For the longest, I was angry that my parents had made me go. If they hadn't, I would have never been injured so badly. If I hadn't been injured, I'd still be able to feel my entire right leg. I'd still have all the flexibility in my back that "normal" people have. Maybe I'd have the life that I wanted.
Then, I pulled myself together and waited. I waited on that bigger purpose. The one people talk about when they're trying to explain why so many bad things happen to one person. They tell you that whatever has been taken from you just wasn't meant to be and then they tell you that you must have a greater purpose, something else that you were meant to do. Of course, no one tells you what this might be.....and so you wait. Only, for me, there hasn't been another purpose, just more interruptions, more accidents, more illnesses, more surgery. For all of the things I've missed out on or that have been interrupted by a new illness or a new surgery, I am still waiting on their replacement. I'm still waiting for that new purpose for my life.
Lately, I've been convinced that if my life were in order, it would help me to find my direction. My husband asks me what I'd like to do, but that's so hard to say. Maybe it's the ADD in me, but I can't decide. And it's hard to decide when the list of things you have to do prevent you from really being open to the things you want to do. With Scott in graduate school, we need my income. I can't just quit my job and go back to school. I can't quit and do something I love that doesn't pay enough. I feel trapped in my life and yet I also feel like if released, I'd run in a circle, not quite knowing where to start or which direction to take. So, I wait. I wait for the time to be right and for me to pursue something for myself, whatever that might be.
This year I'm determined that I'm going to get the rest of my life in order (and learn to keep it like that) so that when my time comes, I'll be prepared. If my life stays in chaos, I won't be able to step out in a new direction without the added stress of my everyday life that I can't seem to tackle. My house is a disaster with no organization whatsoever. I keep my finances in order, but not with the same zeal I once did. I hardly workout and when I do, it's random and lackluster at best. My food goes from super healthy to super unhealthy all in the same week. And the worst part is not knowing where to start.....but I have to start....somewhere....and now.
I only wish I had an answer. It seems my only "claim to fame" is having fifteen surgeries. It's been the thing (or things) that have taken up much of my life, the things that interrupted my dreams and stopped me from making big plans with my life. I wanted to join the military. I aced the ASVAB test and was getting calls from military recruiters. Then, just shortly after my seventeenth birthday, I broke one of my vertebrate in a car accident. Instantly, my military career was over, before it even had a chance to start. I play that day over and over in my head. It was my second accident in a matter of hours. In the first accident, someone ran a red light and hit me. My boyfriend at the time drove me home. My parents wanted to go see how bad the damage was to the car and insisted I go with them and my sisters, even though I did not want to go. On the way back home, we were hit head on. Out of five people in the car, I was the only one wearing my seat belt and I was the only one seriously injured. For the longest, I was angry that my parents had made me go. If they hadn't, I would have never been injured so badly. If I hadn't been injured, I'd still be able to feel my entire right leg. I'd still have all the flexibility in my back that "normal" people have. Maybe I'd have the life that I wanted.
Then, I pulled myself together and waited. I waited on that bigger purpose. The one people talk about when they're trying to explain why so many bad things happen to one person. They tell you that whatever has been taken from you just wasn't meant to be and then they tell you that you must have a greater purpose, something else that you were meant to do. Of course, no one tells you what this might be.....and so you wait. Only, for me, there hasn't been another purpose, just more interruptions, more accidents, more illnesses, more surgery. For all of the things I've missed out on or that have been interrupted by a new illness or a new surgery, I am still waiting on their replacement. I'm still waiting for that new purpose for my life.
Lately, I've been convinced that if my life were in order, it would help me to find my direction. My husband asks me what I'd like to do, but that's so hard to say. Maybe it's the ADD in me, but I can't decide. And it's hard to decide when the list of things you have to do prevent you from really being open to the things you want to do. With Scott in graduate school, we need my income. I can't just quit my job and go back to school. I can't quit and do something I love that doesn't pay enough. I feel trapped in my life and yet I also feel like if released, I'd run in a circle, not quite knowing where to start or which direction to take. So, I wait. I wait for the time to be right and for me to pursue something for myself, whatever that might be.
This year I'm determined that I'm going to get the rest of my life in order (and learn to keep it like that) so that when my time comes, I'll be prepared. If my life stays in chaos, I won't be able to step out in a new direction without the added stress of my everyday life that I can't seem to tackle. My house is a disaster with no organization whatsoever. I keep my finances in order, but not with the same zeal I once did. I hardly workout and when I do, it's random and lackluster at best. My food goes from super healthy to super unhealthy all in the same week. And the worst part is not knowing where to start.....but I have to start....somewhere....and now.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
AT&T decided to force expensive plan upgrades for Smartphones & PDAs
Let me start by saying that I've been a loyal customer of AT&T (Cingular before that, Bellsouth Mobility before that) since 1992. My husband has been their customer since 1993. We have a family plan with them and I have a text messaging package. I would say that over the many years we've been customers that I've been 95% happy with them. We've had a few problems from time to time, but nothing that was a deal breaker for me. BUT....this must not be their week.
First, I realized yesterday that I hadn't actually received an email bill from them for the last two months. Last month, I just went online and paid the bill at the end of the month because usually the bill comes the last week of the month and is due by the 14th of the next month. This month, I checked my email and found that no, I still had not received an email for this month or last month. I went to the website and checked my profile. Here's where things get weird. The email address showing was one that I haven't used in over 5 years! And for the last 5 years, I've been receiving my bills by email to my current email address. I called to find out what happened and they said they had a billing system changeover and that must have caused it, but they can't tell me why they still had that old email address anywhere in their system.
So anyway, by the time I got done straightening out my email address, I didn't have time to pay the bill. This morning, I logged back on to pay the bill and when I reviewed it, I saw this notice at the top of the bill. (Funny how these things are never in bold anywhere on the website, but only on the bill detail that most people don't look at unless their bill amount is different.):
Data Plan Requirement for Smartphones
Well, this really upset me. I'd been wanting to get a new phone soon and had been considering a PDA or Smartphone that would cut down on the other things I carry with me on a daily basis. The problem is that I don't have a need for the internet on my cell phone and if I did, it would be on a very limited basis. Now, here's the absolute worst part about this. The minimum plan you are required to have is $30 a month!!! I just can't believe it. My internet at home is 10 meg and it's only $50 a month and that's only because I don't have it bundled with anything.
Why on earth would they force good long standing customers to pay for a high priced plan that they don't want? BECAUSE THEY CAN!!! Companies no longer care about meeting their customers needs, only about padding their bottom line. The AT&T representative I spoke with claims that ALL of the wireless providers are requiring data plans if you have a Smartphone or PDA, but she admitted that she didn't know if they were requiring one that costs $30 a month. I think I've been with AT&T long enough. Maybe this is a good time to shop around and see if the other wireless service providers are willing to actually provide their customers with service.
First, I realized yesterday that I hadn't actually received an email bill from them for the last two months. Last month, I just went online and paid the bill at the end of the month because usually the bill comes the last week of the month and is due by the 14th of the next month. This month, I checked my email and found that no, I still had not received an email for this month or last month. I went to the website and checked my profile. Here's where things get weird. The email address showing was one that I haven't used in over 5 years! And for the last 5 years, I've been receiving my bills by email to my current email address. I called to find out what happened and they said they had a billing system changeover and that must have caused it, but they can't tell me why they still had that old email address anywhere in their system.
So anyway, by the time I got done straightening out my email address, I didn't have time to pay the bill. This morning, I logged back on to pay the bill and when I reviewed it, I saw this notice at the top of the bill. (Funny how these things are never in bold anywhere on the website, but only on the bill detail that most people don't look at unless their bill amount is different.):
Data Plan Requirement for Smartphones
| An eligible data plan is required for Smartphones (including |
| iPhone, Blackberry & PDA devices) per AT&T's Wireless Rate |
| Plan Terms & Wireless Data Service Terms & Conditions at |
| www.att.com/planterms. If you begin using a Smartphone after |
| 9/05/09 without an eligible data plan, AT&T reserves the right to |
| add an eligible data plan to your account & bill you the proper |
| monthly fee. See www.att.com/smartphoneplans for more info. |
Why on earth would they force good long standing customers to pay for a high priced plan that they don't want? BECAUSE THEY CAN!!! Companies no longer care about meeting their customers needs, only about padding their bottom line. The AT&T representative I spoke with claims that ALL of the wireless providers are requiring data plans if you have a Smartphone or PDA, but she admitted that she didn't know if they were requiring one that costs $30 a month. I think I've been with AT&T long enough. Maybe this is a good time to shop around and see if the other wireless service providers are willing to actually provide their customers with service.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Nicest thing I've heard in a while......
You know how it is. You have friends in elementary school and you change schools and you're really too young to keep in contact, but you never quite forget some of the kids who you were close to. I went to Catholic school from kindergarten through seventh grade. One of the schools I went to was St. Barnabus and I left there after third grade because we moved across town. Being only eight, I wasn't able to stay in touch with anyone. There was one girl that I kept seeing because my mom and her mom were friends, but even that fizzled after a while.
On Facebook the other day, I came across a guy I went to St. Barnabus with. I haven't seen him in twenty six years. I sent him a message and he answered me back last night. It was the nicest letter I think I've ever gotten. He's married now and has a little girl, who looks exactly like he did as a child. He said that I was just as beautiful now as I was in school. (He also wanted me to know that he wasn't joking or hitting on me.) He said he remembered one day in P.E., I was walking with a group of people and as I passed him, the sun was shining through my hair and I was smiling. He said at that moment he thought to himself that he now knew what angels looked like. He said he was still at that age when he thought girls had "cooties," so it wasn't something like that. He said he didn't know why he thought about it, but it was the truth.
That message really made my day, but it also made me wonder what other wonderful friendships I've missed out on over the years. What would it have added to my life to have stayed in contact with him? Maybe he has come back into my life for a reason and maybe he's here to remind me of the girl I used to be. How long has it been since I've walked in the sunshine and smiled? Probably a while. I used to always smile, now it seems to have become a much less frequent occurance. I think I'll print that message and keep it with me....to remind me that I was once an "angel" to someone and that I should strive to be that to everyone.
On Facebook the other day, I came across a guy I went to St. Barnabus with. I haven't seen him in twenty six years. I sent him a message and he answered me back last night. It was the nicest letter I think I've ever gotten. He's married now and has a little girl, who looks exactly like he did as a child. He said that I was just as beautiful now as I was in school. (He also wanted me to know that he wasn't joking or hitting on me.) He said he remembered one day in P.E., I was walking with a group of people and as I passed him, the sun was shining through my hair and I was smiling. He said at that moment he thought to himself that he now knew what angels looked like. He said he was still at that age when he thought girls had "cooties," so it wasn't something like that. He said he didn't know why he thought about it, but it was the truth.
That message really made my day, but it also made me wonder what other wonderful friendships I've missed out on over the years. What would it have added to my life to have stayed in contact with him? Maybe he has come back into my life for a reason and maybe he's here to remind me of the girl I used to be. How long has it been since I've walked in the sunshine and smiled? Probably a while. I used to always smile, now it seems to have become a much less frequent occurance. I think I'll print that message and keep it with me....to remind me that I was once an "angel" to someone and that I should strive to be that to everyone.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The inauguration and why I don't care.....
A few years ago I decided that I was sick and tired of the news and television for the most part. If I sat in front of the TV long enough, I just felt depressed. The news is full of bad news, negativity and arguing. Almost all of the reality shows are horrible. There are a couple of programs I enjoy, but I can't stand all of the commercials. So we had our cable turned off. No cable, no satellite, no antenna. At first, I missed having TV to entertain me. After a while, I found that I read more, worked out more and got more done around the house. For the shows I truly loved, I just waited for them to come out on DVD and I watched them on my own schedule and 0f course, commercial free.
As the presidential election was nearing, I was able to do my own research on the candidates without having to sit through constant campaign ads and news stories. It was wonderful! Once the election was over, I didn't have to listen to constant talk about what the new president may or may not do in office. I haven't had to endure constant talk about who his cabinet will be, etc.
The problem I'm encountering is that people just won't let you enjoy your life free from all the crap that you're trying to avoid. Like the friend who tries to tempt you away from your diet with chocolate, they find the need to push you to care about politics, the inauguration, what the president's kids look like and what the latest agenda is that he's touting. But you know what? I just don't care and I kind of resent the fact that I'm not allowed to not care.
I've watched an inauguration before and I thought it was boring. I'm not going to sit through a new one every four to eight years, just because we've elected someone new. I care about my country, but (as Dave Ramsey likes to remind everyone) the president is not going to fix my life....I am. I have the biggest influence in my own life. And you know what? I like my life and I fill it with things that add value to it. I don't care who performed at the inauguration, I don't care if the president's kids are cute and I don't care what he said in his latest speech. In the scope of my day, looking up pictures of the president's kids to judge whether I think they're cute or not is just not ever going to be high up on my list of priorities....in fact, it's not even on the list. Why? Because I could care less what the president's kids look like. How exactly is that important to my life? Why would anyone care?
One of my co-workers came in this morning and right away starts in. She also knows that I avoid all the news and really don't care about any of this. It never stops her. She has somewhere along the way decided that it's her job to force this crap down my throat and takes pleasure in making sure she keeps me "informed." She starts to tell me about how Obama has a website where you can get information on his plan and how he's going to have a transparent government. LOL. Now, that was a good bit of humor first thing this morning. And who exactly is going to be putting the information on this website? Someone with no ties to politics and no agenda that has full disclosure of everything going on? No, the information will be provided by the very people who it's about, so it will only be as transparent as they want it to be. In other words, it doesn't mean anything. Just ten wasted minutes out of my morning listening to her tell me this. When she's done, she says that she is going to be optimistic! (As if I'm not.) I told her that I preferred to be a realist and work on my own life because at the end of the day, I'm responsible for me and I'm working to change my life for the better.
As the presidential election was nearing, I was able to do my own research on the candidates without having to sit through constant campaign ads and news stories. It was wonderful! Once the election was over, I didn't have to listen to constant talk about what the new president may or may not do in office. I haven't had to endure constant talk about who his cabinet will be, etc.
The problem I'm encountering is that people just won't let you enjoy your life free from all the crap that you're trying to avoid. Like the friend who tries to tempt you away from your diet with chocolate, they find the need to push you to care about politics, the inauguration, what the president's kids look like and what the latest agenda is that he's touting. But you know what? I just don't care and I kind of resent the fact that I'm not allowed to not care.
I've watched an inauguration before and I thought it was boring. I'm not going to sit through a new one every four to eight years, just because we've elected someone new. I care about my country, but (as Dave Ramsey likes to remind everyone) the president is not going to fix my life....I am. I have the biggest influence in my own life. And you know what? I like my life and I fill it with things that add value to it. I don't care who performed at the inauguration, I don't care if the president's kids are cute and I don't care what he said in his latest speech. In the scope of my day, looking up pictures of the president's kids to judge whether I think they're cute or not is just not ever going to be high up on my list of priorities....in fact, it's not even on the list. Why? Because I could care less what the president's kids look like. How exactly is that important to my life? Why would anyone care?
One of my co-workers came in this morning and right away starts in. She also knows that I avoid all the news and really don't care about any of this. It never stops her. She has somewhere along the way decided that it's her job to force this crap down my throat and takes pleasure in making sure she keeps me "informed." She starts to tell me about how Obama has a website where you can get information on his plan and how he's going to have a transparent government. LOL. Now, that was a good bit of humor first thing this morning. And who exactly is going to be putting the information on this website? Someone with no ties to politics and no agenda that has full disclosure of everything going on? No, the information will be provided by the very people who it's about, so it will only be as transparent as they want it to be. In other words, it doesn't mean anything. Just ten wasted minutes out of my morning listening to her tell me this. When she's done, she says that she is going to be optimistic! (As if I'm not.) I told her that I preferred to be a realist and work on my own life because at the end of the day, I'm responsible for me and I'm working to change my life for the better.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas Day Blues
Today is Christmas. Most people are gathered with their families eating and exchanging presents. I'm not. I've been watching the second season of ER on DVD most of the day. It's overcast and rainy as it's been most of the month. My family celebrated Christmas last night, as we have for as long as I can remember. And as it's been for at least the last three years, the party was held at my house. I used to like entertaining. I don't anymore. I don't even enjoy the holidays anymore. My husband thinks it's because my family not only takes advantage of me, but disrespects me as well.
The last couple of parties I've had for my family have ended with me spending hours trying to clean up and along the way finding my things or my home destroyed. Nobody seems to care or show me any respect. My nieces are coloring on the furniture. One of my sisters, her boyfriend and his kids are eating while sitting on my beautiful red couch. The entire time, I'm trying to do damage control. What ends up happening is that I'm miserable because I can't relax the entire time and my family acts like I'm in a bad mood because I won't let them smear food all over my couch and destroy my house.
Where along the way did people lose common decency? When I'm a guest in someone's home, I don't take a tour of their house. I don't open the cabinets in their kitchen. I don't turn on lights in all of their guest rooms and bathrooms and leave them on. I had to go back to the guest room and bathroom and turn off the lights at least ten times. I had to keep tabs on my nieces the entire time because their mother didn't seem to care. My mother kept asking me where the youngest one was. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that she wasn't my child and to ask her mother who was camped out on my couch with her boyfriend.
Present time was the usual chaos. We all have Kaboodle lists and buy each other presents off our wish lists. My mom must have asked me at least three times about what Scott and I wanted. One thing in particular was this beautiful tea set. It was black with white writing and had a bamboo handle. She said she ordered it for us. There was a picture on the web, so she would have known what it looked like. When I opened the present, it was this really ugly tea set. There was so much going on that I couldn't say anything. I can't understand if she just didn't even look at it or what. It looks absolutely nothing like the tea set we wanted. I checked the link from Kaboodle and it's linking to the right tea set. I called her this morning and was going to ask, but she sounded too preoccupied with my youngest sister (who's 28 by the way) and I didn't say anything. Scott thinks it boils down to the fact that she just doesn't care. I still haven't figured out if I should say something or just keep the really ugly tea set that I'll never use. Oh, and she got us a CD/DVD and for some reason, she gave us two of them. I'm not sure why...and I hated to even say anything. It's like she just put zero thought into our gifts. In fact, she never even looked our way when we were opening them. She was too busy talking to my youngest sister about her gifts and watching my nieces play with theirs.
I really need to pull back from my family for my own sanity. I'm always depressed for days after I've been around them. Today, I feel utterly in despair about my life. I just want to move and start over somewhere far enough away that I don't have to see them very often at all. We'd love to move to Nashville, but need to wait for Scott to get his masters degrees.
What's so bad is that I'm always super happy when I'm with my husband. I'm happy with my friends. I just can't stand to be around my family. I've read the book Boundaries, but I just can't seem to apply it to my life. One way or another, I've got to make some changes for my own sanity. I just can't keep going on like this. I think next year, we'll go away for Christmas. I'll send postcards and be happy for at least one holiday.
The last couple of parties I've had for my family have ended with me spending hours trying to clean up and along the way finding my things or my home destroyed. Nobody seems to care or show me any respect. My nieces are coloring on the furniture. One of my sisters, her boyfriend and his kids are eating while sitting on my beautiful red couch. The entire time, I'm trying to do damage control. What ends up happening is that I'm miserable because I can't relax the entire time and my family acts like I'm in a bad mood because I won't let them smear food all over my couch and destroy my house.
Where along the way did people lose common decency? When I'm a guest in someone's home, I don't take a tour of their house. I don't open the cabinets in their kitchen. I don't turn on lights in all of their guest rooms and bathrooms and leave them on. I had to go back to the guest room and bathroom and turn off the lights at least ten times. I had to keep tabs on my nieces the entire time because their mother didn't seem to care. My mother kept asking me where the youngest one was. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs that she wasn't my child and to ask her mother who was camped out on my couch with her boyfriend.
Present time was the usual chaos. We all have Kaboodle lists and buy each other presents off our wish lists. My mom must have asked me at least three times about what Scott and I wanted. One thing in particular was this beautiful tea set. It was black with white writing and had a bamboo handle. She said she ordered it for us. There was a picture on the web, so she would have known what it looked like. When I opened the present, it was this really ugly tea set. There was so much going on that I couldn't say anything. I can't understand if she just didn't even look at it or what. It looks absolutely nothing like the tea set we wanted. I checked the link from Kaboodle and it's linking to the right tea set. I called her this morning and was going to ask, but she sounded too preoccupied with my youngest sister (who's 28 by the way) and I didn't say anything. Scott thinks it boils down to the fact that she just doesn't care. I still haven't figured out if I should say something or just keep the really ugly tea set that I'll never use. Oh, and she got us a CD/DVD and for some reason, she gave us two of them. I'm not sure why...and I hated to even say anything. It's like she just put zero thought into our gifts. In fact, she never even looked our way when we were opening them. She was too busy talking to my youngest sister about her gifts and watching my nieces play with theirs.
I really need to pull back from my family for my own sanity. I'm always depressed for days after I've been around them. Today, I feel utterly in despair about my life. I just want to move and start over somewhere far enough away that I don't have to see them very often at all. We'd love to move to Nashville, but need to wait for Scott to get his masters degrees.
What's so bad is that I'm always super happy when I'm with my husband. I'm happy with my friends. I just can't stand to be around my family. I've read the book Boundaries, but I just can't seem to apply it to my life. One way or another, I've got to make some changes for my own sanity. I just can't keep going on like this. I think next year, we'll go away for Christmas. I'll send postcards and be happy for at least one holiday.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I Want To Meet Stephen King
I'm supposed to be working. Instead, I chose to peruse Amazon.com. On my Goodreads.com list, I have an audio book by Stephen King called "The Gingerbread Girl." I've never seen it listed as anything but an audio book and decided to check and see if it was in print. It's not. As I looked at the most recently released Stephen King books, I thought about the fact that I've been reading his books my entire adult life. I don't read a lot of fiction, but I read everything he writes. I'd love to meet him. How can I make that happen? The fact that he lives in Maine and I live in Alabama eliminates the possibility of running into him at the grocery store or Starbucks. I need to think a little more about this.
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